kvdesign: graphic design by Kerstin Vodges Diehn

06/03/11: Expert Testimony

Many people have a shared anxiety dream: they arrive at school only to be handed a test they didn’t know about. They look at it and don’t know any of the answers. Panic ensues.

I have a different version of this dream (due to being a teacher for almost 10 years). My dream is this: I arrive in a class for the first day and realize that I don’t know anything about the subject matter. This becomes apparent very quickly and I lose control of the class. Students berate and taunt me. I begin to cower under the desk while they continue their verbal assaults. It’s awful.

This anxiety dream stems from a secret suspicion that my professed knowledge base is a total sham. I worry that I am a total charlatan and at some point, I’ll be exposed. I’ve talked with other people about this and it’s actually a fairly common anxiety among people my age. We now have the age and experience to be “experts” in our fields, but we feel like we’re still struggling in our careers, and after all, high school wasn’t really that long ago, right? (btw, it totally was – I’ve had doctors younger than me).

Twice this past month, I was asked to speak as an expert in my field. Before each engagement, I had the anxiety dream. When I think of experts giving testimony, it’s usually in a courtroom and the gray-haired “experts” exude experience and wisdom. While I’ve found a few gray hairs (immediately plucked out of my head), I was not so sure I could come off as confident.

First, I was asked to speak on the state of printing and desktop publishing to representatives from a huge printing and publishing conglomerate from China. That was it. No real guidelines. All of the listeners were Chinese and there would be an interpreter. (That alone was anxiety inducing! I had to stop speaking every 3 minutes and let the interpretor fill in. What if I was misquoted?)

I was really nervous because the topic was so open-ended. I decided to focus on the direction of the design and printing industries in the increasing digital environment. How could they compete? How could we work together? How could anyone survive this assault on paper? Kind of a loaded topic for a group of printers! As I put the presentation together, I realized that I actually DID know a lot about it. I wasn’t a charlatan, my knowledge base was real, and, actually, pretty comprehensive. Ok, it still was completely weird stopping every 3 minutes for the interpreter, but overall, the presentation went very well and they even invited me to a fancy dinner that week. Score!

My next invitation was from UNICEF as I recently was part of their design team for an exhibit about HIV in Zambia. The exhibit is pretty high profile and just launched. As part of the program, UNICEF is holding a number of panel discussions related to the topic. I was asked to speak on one panel about communicating messages to diverse audiences. Panic ensued. What if people realized I know nothing and am an untalented fool?

Fortunately, this was not the case. The panel ended up being pretty relaxed. Again, I discovered I could speak quite intelligently on the topic. Not so weird considering I did just design the exhibit…

So I’m hoping both of these successful events will tell my brain to end this silly anxiety dream. If I can’t control my subconscious, at the very least I feel confident that I’m qualified to stand in front of a graduate class for another year or at least write a few more proposals.

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The Sound of One Hand Clapping: A Blog

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06/03/11: Expert Testimony

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